The Cross
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Ste's life is spiraling out of control, then he finds something that gives him hope. For Dreamgirlmiller xxx Stendan. Following on from Dear Steven and Dear Brendan.


**For the lovely dreamgirlmiller, i hope you like it :)**

** The Cross +**

It had been four long heart breaking weeks since Ste had last heard from Brendan. He hoped that replying to his letter, insisting that he wasn't going to give up on him would make Brendan realise that he wasn't going anywhere. He thought that he might have sent a visiting order or at least replied, he didn't really believe it when Brendan said goodbye. But nothing came and Ste's distressing behavior continued and his life was rapidly spiraling out of control. Everyone he loved had left him, there was no hope for him and friendships he thought he had proved to be no friendships at all.

Amy had washed her hands of him, refusing to let him have any contact with the kids until he sorts himself out. She forgets what she put them through when she couldn't stand to be around them. Cheryl had completely cut ties with everyone from the village, embracing her new life with Nate. She stole Ste's happiness, ruined his life and now she couldn't even be bothered to stay in touch. Tony had tried his best, he always looked out for Ste, but he had other things on his mind and he struggled to give Ste the help that he so desperately needed.

Then there was Doug, he continued to try to be there for him, but Ste found it increasingly difficult to confide in someone who hated Brendan as much as he did. Ste felt lost and alone in a world full of people who judged him and his every move. Living without Brendan had affected him badly and even the club where he once felt closer to Brendan now made him feel even more alone. The memories and negative thoughts of a stolen future were just too much for him.

The days felt like nights, dark and cold. And the weeks felt like years with no hope of a brighter tomorrow. He knew that there was only one way out of the torture of living a life that he felt was pointless without his Brendan. The flat was a mess…everything was a mess and his once lived in home, now looked like it had been burgled. The only thing Ste seem to care about now was that the fridge was full of alcohol; cider, beer and whisky. He can't even remember the last time he was sober, being out of it helped with the pain and being constantly drunk was a way of life for him now.

Ste stumbled from the sofa and made his way clumsily into the bathroom. Brendan's words playing over and over in his head. _In the next life Steven, In the next life Steven, In the next life Steven, In the next life Steven._ Ste tried to block it out, even screaming didn't help and even though he knew it was wrong having those kind of thoughts, it just wouldn't stop. Brendan's voice and words only played louder in his head.

Ste stood looking at himself in the mirror, it almost made him feel sick, the sight of himself. His eyes were bloodshot and red raw from all the alcohol abuse and sleepless nights. His skin that once glowed golden brown, the skin Brendan adored now looked dull and a little yellow. His hair was lifeless and flat against his head and his beer stained clothes could do with a wash, but none of that mattered to him anymore. This broken life would all be over soon. Ste opened the bathroom cabinet and grabbed any bottle of pills that were in there. He had heard that killing yourself with tablets is a pretty horrible way to die, but he could only think of his next life with Brendan, that was all that mattered to him now.

Ste filled his jacket pockets with the pills, took a bottle of whisky out of the cupboard and headed on out. There was only one place he wanted to do this…the club, the place where it all began and now the place where it would end. Drinking whisky and listening to Johnny Cash seemed very fitting, especially now. Ste walked and drank his way through the village, falling over a few times. People tutting and gossiping as he stumbled, he tried his hardest not to mouth them off, but these days he was a loose cannon.

He was a man on a mission, with only one thing on his mind…Brendan. As he approached the club, Doug had been watching him from the deli window. His heart broke a little to see his ex in such a bad way. He needed to help him, now more than ever and he wasn't going to give up, not now, not seeing him this way.

"Leanne hold the fort, there's something I've got to take care of."

Doug approached Ste; he was even more shocked seeing him up close. He looked half the man he was and it was at that point that Doug felt the extent of Ste's feelings for Brendan.

"Hey Ste, what you doing?" asked Doug, trying to keep the conversation as normal as possible.

"What does it look like Doug? I'm having a party because my life is just so good!" replied Ste sarcastically.

"Look I'm taking you to mine; I'm going to help you. I still care about you and what happens to you."

"And why would I wanna do that hey? Are you trying to get me to sleep with you again? Aww Dougie thanks but no thanks."

"Bloody hell Ste have you heard yourself? I'm just trying to help."

"I don't want your help. Plus it'll all be over soon."

"What's that supposed to mean Ste?"

"Just forget it Doug. Now if you don't mind I have a date with Johnny Cash."

Ste moved away from Doug, but Doug was persistent and grabbed at Ste's arm pulling him back to him. Ste lost his balance and the contents of his pockets now lay bare on the floor for him to see. Doug stared open mouthed at the few bottle of pills and watched in horror as Ste frantically tried to pick them up.

"So is this what you mean? Do you think that this is the answer? What about Leah and Lucas?"

"Look Doug you don't understand, the kids are better off without me. Everyone is. I just want Brendan."

Nothing that Doug said seemed to make any difference to Ste. His stubborn, determined attitude wasn't budging and Doug had to think quickly if he was going to stop him.

"Do you think Brendan would want this Ste? Think about him."

It was all Doug had left, but luckily it stopped Ste in his tracks. Doug made his way over to Ste, who was now crying his eyes out. The sight of him made Doug's heart ache and he pulled him into a warm hug. He felt Ste hold him back as if his life depended on it. They stood that way for a while and Doug held him tighter as Ste gave in to his emotions. This allowed Doug to take advantage, while Ste was vulnerable.

"Come on Ste, let's get you sorted. I'll take you back to mine."

Once inside the flat Doug made Ste a black coffee, anything to try and sober him up a bit. He also made him something to eat and ran him a bath. Doug felt determined to help him get back on his feet. He waited until Ste had finished in the bathroom; he looked a million times better just from being clean.

"Hey Ste, there is some clothes on my bed, help yourself to them, then get some rest. I'm just going to help Leanne close up then I'm all yours. We can watch a DVD or talk or whatever you want okay? I'll see you in a bit."

"Doug?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"Hey that's what friends are for."

Ste went into Doug's bedroom, he laughed at the choice of clothes, a pair of chinos and the most hideous jumper he had ever seen. It felt good to laugh though. He put on the clothes and sat on the edge of the bed hitting his knee on the opened draw on the bedside cabinet. He opened the draw to see some old photos of the two of them. That seemed like so long ago now. He was just about to shut the draw when something shinny caught his eye. He took the photos out of the draw and what he saw next made his heart race. The familiar silver cross necklace…Brendan's necklace was laid there, clear as day. Ste pulled it out of the draw and clutched it tightly to his chest. What the hell was it doing in Doug's draw?

The tears fell once again and without another minutes thought, he undone the clasp and put it on. He felt warm all of a sudden, he needed this…he needed this reminder.

"Hey Ste, I'm back."

Ste made his way out of the bedroom and Doug noticed his change in mood straight away.

"Ste what is it?"

Ste failed to speak; he could only pull the silver cross above his clothes and show him the necklace that was now even more important to him.

"I can explain Ste."

"Really? Please do."

"Do you remember after the accident, when you were in hospital and no one thought you were gonna make it? Well Brendan wrapped it around your hand."

I knew it, I knew he was there. I felt him. So what's it doing in your draw?"

"I put it there. You were my husband. We didn't need him or his support."

"Well I did Doug. How could you keep this from me?"

"I meant to give it to you."

"When Doug?"

"I'm sorry Ste."

"No I'm sorry Doug, for thinking that you cared."

"I do care, that's why I'm doing all this."

"Thanks for your help Doug, but I think I need to be alone."

"You're not going to do anything stupid now are you?"

"No, I've got too much to fight for."

"Ste everything I ever did was for us."

"I know that. It's always been me and him though, even when I was with you and I'm sorry for that. I'll see you Doug."

As much as Ste wanted to keep hold of the necklace he knew someone who needed it more. Brendan needed it more. He headed back to the flat and wrote a small note it read…

_Brendan,_

_I have only just found out about the necklace and although I want this piece of you, I feel you need it more. It brought me home to you once, hopefully it'll bring you home to me too one day. I love you...always._

_Steven xx_

He enclosed the letter and necklace into an envelope and sealed it down. It was too late to post it now, he would have to wait for tomorrow, but that was a good enough reason to stay sober. Ste turned on the tele and resumed his favourite position on the sofa, only this time without a drink. It didn't take long for Ste to fall asleep and morning came around quickly. The letter was at the forefront of his mind, it was all he could think about. He got up from the sofa, picked up some loose change, grabbed the envelope and headed on out to post it. He really thought that by doing this, by returning Brendan's necklace that it would bring them back together. It was nice for Ste to believe in something again.

It had been a week since Ste had posted the necklace to Brendan; it had also been a week since he'd had a drink. Things were far from perfect but he had started to make small changes. Every day when the post came, Ste rushed to the door hoping that there would be something, anything from Brendan and today was no exception. Only today there was something, something even more amazing than a letter. Brendan had sent him a visiting order and Ste jumped up and down for joy, he could hardly contain his excitement He was finally going to get to see him again and that meant everything to him. It didn't mean that they were going to get back together and Ste knew that deep down, but it was a start, one Ste wouldn't have had if it wasn't for the cross.

**Please review xx xx xx**


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